Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
