I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
