her vagine was all disorganized.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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