Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
