no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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