well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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