Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
