I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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