I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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