i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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