why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
The ass gains better be worth it
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