I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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