His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
