Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
