The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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