Duck Duck Cougar?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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