I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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