why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
