The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
