Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
