Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
