WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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