I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
