The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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