I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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