OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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