it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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