can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
