I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
