just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
