I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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