im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
