remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
