I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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