I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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