If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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