You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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