sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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