I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Can you bring me the toilet please
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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