My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
