all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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