I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
