OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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