tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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