She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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