Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
