Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
