Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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