dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
