Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
