What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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